Anymore these days just feel like one giant whirlwind spinning around and sucking me into it. I feel like I just blink and a week has passed. For instance, last week was Spring Break for my middle schooler and now here I find him back at school this week like he was never home. When he is home for more than the weekend I miss the days when he was still homeschooled. It makes me second guess my decision to let him enter the public school last year.
We took advantage of him being home last week and took off for Seaside, Oregon. There are times when I get the most strongest craving to see the ocean. I’m sure it has to do with the fact that I grew up just minutes from the beach in Southern California. The salty air combined with sandy feet have never really left me. Upon arriving at Seaside I immediately felt at home. It was an almost soul cleansing visit. I needed to see the ocean and hear the waves crash upon the shore.
This past year or so has been so incredibly challenging. I sometimes sit in disbelieve and dismay that so much has and is happening. My life is rapidly changing and taking directions I never in my wildest dreams could have foreseen. Some of it is good, some of it is gut wrenching. I realize I am being rather vague and that has to do a lot with the fact that I am just now trying to find the words to sort out what is happening to myself and my family. I’m also not sure how much I really want to share here on this blog. I am and have always been a rather timid and very private person. Opening up about myself to others has always been tremendously painful for me. Yet here I am blogging away and hinting at a major life change that is heading our way.
In a way, I feel like my life at this moment is like that ocean I just paid a visit to. There is a force out there bringing in a huge wave of change that I cannot stop. And deep in my heart I know when that wave subsides what was once left of my current life will be washed away by the water retreating to the sea. Like a sandcastle being gently washed away and the sandy shore left bare. Bare, but like an empty canvas ready to be recreated all over again.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
You are very brave to share as much as you did. Change is hard, not good or bad, but hard, like work. And without a little space it’s hard to create what you truly WANT in your life. My husband and I went thru the hardest time EVER imaginable (for us), as close as you can get to splitting up, then decided not to because of the kids and them needing BOTH of us, and now have found a much better, more functional and WAY more FUN way to be together, but it took getting that close (off and on for 5?years?). We had to consciously remember why we were together in the first place. He used to make me laugh like crazy… what happened to that? I got so serious with all my “motherly responsibilities” that I forgot it’s OK for me to have fun too.
I don’t know what your change is, but be brave and trust that it will all work out for the best even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.
And I don’t usually comment on blogs but this hit a chord with me, hope it’s OK and I’m not saying too much! Also I used to live in Oregon and drove an hour to the coast, often, to see the sunset and smell the ocean air. Magic.
Blessings, sarah
Thank you so much for this reply Sarah. It is truly appreciated. A few hours after I published this post I had this twinge of “oh no! what did I do?!” I was afraid I shared too much. To read that this post struck a chord with you and that you do not normally comment on blogs gave me reassurance that I did the right thing publishing this. This change my family and I are facing is indeed very challenging and I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed by it all most days. But I know when the dust settles I will be stronger and wiser which makes the hard work worth it. And I do believe everything does happen for a reason even if we cannot see it just yet. Again, thank you for your comment. <3
Sending love your way Cynthia.
Thank you Taryn. Your kind words mean a lot. <3
Cynthia, I have been away from most blog spaces for the last while and I have missed your space. I am sorry for your struggles…and the first commentor said so many wise things I won’t try and reiterate them except to say, again, “Trust your heart.” The mind muddles us up so much, and I find it so challenging to just trust my intuition. All will be well with time. I don’t mean to belittle anything you are experiencing, but trying to provide some comfort.
Hugs to you!
xo Jules